i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
