I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
