im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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