Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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