Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
