I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize