It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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