my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
