True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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