you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
