the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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