I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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