And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
