yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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