The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
