i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
