oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
