Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
