Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
