I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
