my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
