Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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