Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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