I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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