Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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