it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
