You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
