is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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