yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
