I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
