I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
