where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
