u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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