There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
