Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dignity is for republicans.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
