distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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