this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
