He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
