I wish my penis had an off switch
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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