My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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