Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
