he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
