you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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