as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
