I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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