So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
