i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
