Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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