I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
