I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
