Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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