My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i now understand why vodka
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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