Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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