She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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