There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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