is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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