I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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