My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
