I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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