Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
