so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
