I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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