i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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