his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
